Dating a tranny is pretty much the same as dating a cissy, believe it or not. If you really want to get into the nitty-gritty of it, then of course you are going to find some minor variations. Different trans people will have different preferences regarding clothing, hobbies, and sexual activities – just like literally every other person on the face of the planet.
That said, there are a few things that you should keep in mind when you decide to take a swim in the trans dating pool. You can check out this informative article for some pretty good advice about dating a trans person, especially if this will be your first time trying. Meanwhile, we put together a list of things from experience. Here are some pointers to keep in mind.
Do your own basic research on the trans community
This is a no-brainer starting out. Before you even consider a trans dating candidate, you need to familiarize yourself with the trans culture and community as a whole. If they find themselves in a situation where they have to keep explaining things which are considered common knowledge, you will lose any chance you might have had. Remember, this person is out on a date, not out to give you a lecture.
Make sure you research legit sources. Wikipedia is a good start, but overall not very credible, so check the sources and citations of those articles. Your best bet is medical, psychological, sociological, and sociolinguistic literature. Understand notions such as gender dysphoria, gender fluidity, presentation bias, and so on. Also, be wary of insufficiently objective information, or politically or emotionally charged content (either positive or negative). Stay away from things like news outlets and religious resources.
Inquire about individual boundaries and comfort zones
And then respect them. Seriously, do not push it. This is true for cis and trans people alike, but the floor is a tad more slippery on the tranny train. Boundaries and comfort zones are most commonly brought up in the context of language and physical or sexual contact.
The pronouns are actually easy to navigate, even if you get confused in the beginning. The solution is: ask them. No, really, that is all it takes. Most trans people will prefer the pronouns of their “new” gender, so you are fine in nine out of ten cases. There are some exceptions, though.
For example, a person may still be in the process of physically transitioning, or maybe they are unlearning their own behavioral patterns specific to the “old” gender. In that case, gender-neutral or non-binary pronouns might be preferred. Gender-neutral is the now-well-known “they/ them/ theirs” thing. Non-binary options include “hir”, “ze”, “co”, or “ey”, and “Mx.” Instead of Mr./ Ms. There is no need to wrack your brain with memorizing all of them. Just ask your date what they prefer in private and in company, and then stick to that.
The same holds true for bodily contact. As you will see on any Best Transgender Dating Sites link, the community is enormous. All of those people will have different tolerance levels when it comes to physical intimacy.
Your trans date/ relationship partner might be uncomfortable with you touching certain body parts. Or, they might be totally fine with touching, but insist on specific vocabulary. Listen, remember, and go with it. If you are not able to find out their limits and preferences from casual conversation, go ahead and ask openly. A little bit of awkwardness will save you tons of trouble further down the road. Conversely, crossing a boundary is the single biggest instant turnoff, so watch out.
Do not let the transition become the center of your relationship
This is really just basic decency. Get to know your date as a person, not just a type (if they feel fetishized, most folks will run at lightspeed!). So, learn about their hobbies, interests, profession, wants and needs. Figure out what makes them tick. At the end of the day, regardless of genitals, you have a living human to deal with.
Be prepared for judgement from your environment
“Being stealth” means that a trans person is keeping their status a secret from absolutely everyone. This is rarely the case, so if you date long enough, someone will find out. Be ready for the social ramifications.
These will directly depend on your community and geographical area. It may be no more than a minimal misunderstanding, like someone might think one or both of you are gay. You can make the effort to set them straight (no pun intended), or just let them think whatever and do your thing. You can find some good strategies for dealing with transphobia at this link (works for cis allies too): http://www.imlocal.co.nz/uncategorized/9-ways-trans-people-can-deal-with-transphobia/
Sadly though, you might also be ostracized, variously threatened, or physically hurt. Stay aware of your surrounding atmosphere and take precautions to protect yourself and your significant other. Keep discrete, learn self-defense, familiarize yourself with local legislature, and exercise common sense in conflict situations.
Do not be surprised if your partner changes their body
Like we said already, sometimes a trans person will not have completed their transition 100%. Sometimes there will still be stuff they want to tweak, and most of the time you ought to just let them. If you like your partner’s body, that is awesome. Let them know! Supportive communication is always very much appreciated. Just keep in mind the boundaries. If they are uncomfortable with some part of themselves, support them, instead of “praising them into keeping it”.
That said, extreme bodily modification might be a sign of deeper issues. Keep an eye out. The best thing you can do is accompany them to the doctor’s appointments, get informed, and observe. Find out why they want to do a certain bodily change, what the risks are, and what they will likely gain or lose. If you are ever in doubt, speak to the medical professionals yourself.
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